Pet Advice – Straight From The Horse’s Mouth


by Charles “Horse” Tsence


Dear Readers:


This column is dedicated to the love and care of animals.  Contrary to what some readers thought, animals do not include spouses.  Yes, I know that spouses and partners call each other “Pet,” “Poochie” and even “My Cuddly Fur-Ball” (mostly directed to men), but this column is dedicated to our friends with four legs, feathers, fins, prehensile tails and the like.  For questions regarding male-female relationships, I refer you to columnist Hortense “Poochie” McGoldstein, who will appear in this publication.  Thank you.




Dear Charles:


When I pick my horse’s hind hooves, he often passes gas, sometimes silently, sometimes loudly.  I would appreciate him stopping this behavior.  What can I do?  Signed, Hoof-Picker Jones.


Dear Hoof-Picker:


You may not have noticed, but horses do not have an understanding of etiquette, nor do they have formal bathrooms in which to pass gas.  They can’t even go outside, as done in polite society, because horses are always outside.  Obviously, your horse (Since you didn’t tell me his name, I’ll call him “Rover”) enjoys having his hooves cleaned, and passing gas is his way of showing appreciation.  Always look on the bright side of life; if you find it offensive, you can delegate this job to your spouse or significant other, your best friend or worst enemy.  It’s possible that this activity may be a precursor of bigger things but if he hasn’t done so already, he probably won’t in the future.  You’ll understand whether Rover enjoys your assistance in keeping his hooves clean if he continues to pass gas when you clean his front hooves.



Dear Charles:


I am a retired dairy farmer.  Well, not really.  I keep six cows on my grandfathered-for-farm-use homestead for tax abatement purposes.  I am also a history buff and know the origin of the phrase “The shot heard ’round the world.”  Since my wife of fifty years, Sarah Mae, passed last year, I spend a lot of time sitting in a darkened room at night listening to talk radio and contemplating.  I enjoy the shows because they are much more scary than those “Terminator” and “Predator” movies.  My question is, on a recent late night radio show, I heard about government plans to shoot a herd ’round the world.  Is this true, or is the talk show commentator just messing with my mind?  Signed, Puzzled-in-Eastern-Oregon Connolly


Dear Puzzled-in-Eastern-Oregon:

I, also, remember the revolutionary war story about “The shot heard ’round the world.”  As I recall, it was the first shot fired in our revolutionary war and raised a lot of worldwide eyebrows.


I don’t know where your late talk show commentator got his information but, according to my inside-the-government informant, that’s a top secret NASA mission.  As best as I could cobble the story together, it seems we are still smarting from Russia’s victory in putting the first person in space more than forty years ago.  Our government has been hard at work in an underground laboratory, deep inside the Rocky Mountains, constructing a rocket-powered spaceship capable of housing a herd of Herefords or Jerseys. From what I hear, they’re talking in terms of 10 to 15 cows scheduled for a launch in 2007, which will be dubbed “The Herd Shot ’Round The World.” I thought it was top-secret, but you know those talk show personalities – they ruin everything for everybody.  Keep the faith and I leave you with that old farm saying, “You’ve got to stoop pretty darn low to milk a chicken.”



Signing off for now. Until next time, enjoy your pets and remember that not only are they a part of your family, they are part of your personality.