The Mediocre
HousekeeperTM :
Dust and Clutter Can Be Your BFriends
8/3/06
wc 1918
dust and clutter
can be your friends
by Jim Penn
Bernie Levy
When my friend and fellow writer,
Bernie Levy Jim
Penn, recently asked me
to write about dust and clutter, I questioned his ridiculous request. “Why me?” I asked as we sat in my living room
with Eric “Sloppy Dunker” Rappaport (aptly named for his donut-dunking
addiction).
Bernie Jim responded,
“Who said that? I don’t see
anyone.”
“Why,
me, you goofball,” I answered, shoving moving several thick
picture books off from my
coffee table so that he could havehad a clearer view.
“That’s why,” Bernie he said as he stood up to
become visible and pointed to the table, heaped high with “coffee
table”
reading.tomes.
He then swept the
room withwaved
his hands to indicate there was more to consider.
and continued, “If there ever was anyone who takes clutter and its brother, dust,
to extremes, it’s certainly you. I
can’t understand how any woman would consider ‘allow you’ to maintaincontinue
a relationship with
you for more than a couple of minutes once
she sets foot in this house.”
It was then that Eric piped up,., “Oh, I dunno. I had a cousin that was worse, but he’s dead now. He was dead for weeks before he was
discovered; t. T,
hey
couldn’t but nobody could find him until they
cleaned out his apartment.””
I couldn’t take it any longer. “That’s ridiculous. You just made that up. I’m not that bad. If you want me to put down my thoughts,
I will, but you must understand that there
are rules to follow in when collecting dust and clutter.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Bernie laughed. Jim exclaimed.
“Let’s just take two examples in this room. What rhyme or reason is
there to pile books so high
on your coffee table so high and compacted that
nobody can choose one? And,
take that corner over there,” he said, pointing to the corner closest to my bedroom where
my dust friends
bunnies lived. , “iIt seems you’ve made
little things out of dust that
probably has piled up for years and then topped them off with little
bits of ribbon and scraps of cloth. What’s thatWhat’re they supposed to be?”
Eric added
put
in his two cents. “Hey,
that’s probably some kind of art. Can’t you see
what he’s done?; hHe’s built got
several of those ‘things’
dressed up. Isn’t
that right, JimBernie?”
“JimYa’ know, Bernie, , Eric’s got an eye
for dust and clutter. ,” I said. ” I could easily convert him to the cause, I thought. , “Sb. very easily bBut,
since you’ve chosen you have choose to insulted me, I’m going to
charge you fifty cents a word. – “, enough for one day, I require that
you pay me. I’ll
have e-mail
my brilliant commentary on your email deskto you with in
a week.
“And,
by the way, when you finish your beers, wash out the bottles and put them under
the sink. There’s some behavior I won’t tolerate.”
They took the hint, washed their bottles,
put them in the proper place, carved a path to the door, and left. I
surveyed my kingdom. It
wasn’t so bad:.
mMy décor of dust and clutter was had been well thought- -out.
So, here’s my contribution to the search for truth and
meaning in living and making friends with dust and clutter.
First, let’s take the subject of dust. I could get
technical, but I’m not going to. As many know,
dDust is
made up of many elements, all of which are particles falling from something or
someone. After a brief time, this accumulation
leaves a film on objects that mutes their coloration and takes on nuances of
its own.
Most Many people confuse dust with dirt and periodically clean
compulsively to excess. become compulsive
while they try to remove
it. compulsively
try to remove dust periodically. Dust is the reason for many
inventions, including bBusters (dust), , mops and cloths. mops (dust), and cloths (dust). Industries have risen and
fallen because of dust and its earthier cousin, dirt,. These includeing cleaners, cleaning
companies,
and household cleaning systems. H, however, . But, treat dust with
respect and friendship,, and dust will can
be your friend.
There areSome people that recognize (and
fear) an dust mites, those miniscule creatures that resideanimals that lives
in dust,
. namely the dust mite. If you’ve read
In the
cartoon strip, “A Rose iIs a Rose,”
Rose, a pretty, foxy,
and dutiful mother and wife, is deathly afraid of dust mitesthem. The cartoon strip’s
creator creatively
illustrates a dust mite,them as a most horrific,
imposing insects. But, when drawn out of proportion. But, golly,
everything has a right to live for some time on this earth.
I’ve known people, mostly women, whose main life’s mission goal in life is
to get rid of dust before it even settles. I say
to those people, “Get a life! There ’sare more important things
to do than compulsively dust your life away.” Sure, it doesn’t hurt to dust once in a while; my rule of thumb
is to dust that at
least once a year, whether it needs it or not,
but no more than
quarterly.
Everybody looks on the cloudy side of life when it
comes to dust. However, Tthere are real benefits
to dust accumulation. For instance, consider the following when
establishing a loving relationship,. yYou want that person to be loved you for more than
just your beauty. I,
for one, don’t want to be just a “pretty face”; I want a woman
to love me for my intellect, my sense of humor,
and my companionship. Dust
can assist in
your search
quest for the “perfect”
mate and
as well
as provide other benefits. Consider:
·
Dust can be an early
warning system. If my your date is put off by
dust, she’s not the woman for meyou. She’s
obviously not looking for a lasting, true relationship. My rule: of thumb is, dDoes someone like you me for your my neatness or because you’re I’m a neat person?
·
Dust is also an early
warning system to ascertain whether your possible lover isalerts you to her susceptibleility to allergies. All Aallergies
are not all all bad;, and they,
too, can be your friends under certain circumstances., bBut I like need to know early in the
relationship if someone is prone to allergiesthem. It’s
just one question
item on
my short list – — 137 questions – — that I ask within the
first two weeks of dating.
·
Dust is a telltale sign
about your personality, particularly when you cultivate dust pets. bunnies. The “things”
that Though he
didn’t know it, Eric Jim had identified in my house were my dust
friendsbunnies, —— the the my pets
that keep on giving. Oh,But
I have more than just bunnies; I have my dust
dogs and dust cats, as well as
bunnies. ., too.
You I grow them over a period of timefor a few months, and
then you
I dress
them up. Creativity is the watchword in this pet
world. They’re very understanding; their
maintenance is low; you I never have to take them to the vet; they
grow on you
me in
time; they keep you me company. Their
only drawbacks are that you I can’t take them when you I move and you I have to put them to rest before you I get your my cleaning deposit back.
·
Last, Aalthough most cleaning
manufacturers, suppliers,
and professionals will keep this truth from you, dust can be a protective
coating.
There are times when dusting is appropriate and
beneficial. The list is short. Actual and anticipated vVisits from mothers and
prospective mothers-in-laws require targeted dusting to establish your
respectability. to assure them
that you can take care of yourself and are are respectaible. It also helps keep harmony
within the family. To obtain keep your some sense
of dignity and to
limit hypocrisy, I suggest that you only dust only those areas that
will be inspected. You
know your mother and future mother-in-law, if applicable,
better than I do,
but,
in the event that you do not, dust those areas which that are most available to
the white- glove
and heavy-finger-touching techniques. TheseYour
“watch guardsThese champions of cleanliness” test windowsills,
picture frames, and
tables most that
are easily reached when sitting inaccessible in from
the kitchen, living living room, and dining roomss.
Don’t forget the TV and other appliances.
If you take out the “good china” (you have good china?)
on days when they visit,
make sure that
those dishesthey
are washed or at least dusted.
You do not need to dust for uninvited
family, including hypercritical aunts. Discovering Their Ffinding
a little dust can make in their cases makes
them more human. Finally,
it’s always appropriate to dust once a month in your bedroom area,
particularly around the bed. Excessive
dust accumulation of dust can
affect your night breathing and increases
the possibility of snoring, which may not be bad in itself.
Don’t hesitate to spread the word about dust
friendliness to friends and support groups. There
are DFAs (Dust Friends of
America) springing up in all parts of this great country, and joining one
is a good way to meet friends with similar tastes. The DFA (Dust Friends of America) is
closely akin to the AML (Anti-Mop League) and a stalwart enemies enemy of the NCC
(Notoriously Compulsive Cleaners). I
have misplaced DFA’s the wWeb site, but they DFA advertises in one of my favorite
magazines, Modern Garbage.
Going hand-
and in- hand
with “living with dust” is the collection of clutter. The CCC
(Constructive Clutter Collectors), a national
organization, CCC (Constructive Clutter Collectors), is financially supported
by the ACCC
(the Association of Credit Card Companies).
I particularly enjoy CCC’s motto:,
“A cluttered mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Your mind and your surroundings
should be as full of as much stuff
as you can handle. The secret ,
of course, is to know how much clutter you and your personality can take.
Not only are dust and clutter compatible, the
accumulation ofbut
also clutter often
makes it impossible to dustdusting difficult,
thereby building in an important anti-dusting mechanism. A clean table invites ,
—
even
sometimes cries out for ,—
a wipe from a dust cloth. However, fill it with knickknacks, gewgaws,
and doodads, and it’s dust
and clutter heaven.
The collection of cClutter
collecting
promotes good health. Frequent visits to flea
markets, garage sales,
and antique stores promote walking, stooping,
and jumping up and down when you find make
a particularly good bargain. buy. I wish to
thank my good friend, Red “Dusty” Sindora, for allowing me to use his
classifications
of clutter:
Daily living clutter,
Lapses-in-memory
clutter,
Collectible clutter,
Friendship clutter and
Event clutter
Ego clutter
7. Trauma Cclutter
resulting from trauma, e.g., death, divorce, birth, graduation and injuries.
Briefly, dDaily
living clutter results from simply living your life. Remarks like, “Gee, this
is a nice plastic container. I think I’ll wash out the mold and keep it for
future use,” facilitate this type oftrigger great
collectingons.
Forgetting if you’ve ever begaun
or have
stopped collecting an
particular item is an example of Llapses-in-memory
clutter,.
Ffor
example, “I’ll just put
this used bicycle seat right here in the hallway until I find my used bicycle
seat collection, if I ever started one.” Collectible clutter is the easiest one:,
namely adding to a collection that you’ve already started and one you’vehave
identified as a possible major future investment. Old fly fishing reels are is
a a
good example, as are is
used wine bottle corks. I must have five collections cartons of
corks all over the place because, when I retire;,
I
plan ’m going to build something grand
with them.
Clutter received from friends
Friendship
clutter merits special attention. These items need to be
prominently displayed when your friends visit, b.
Since,Because
you never know when a friendthey is going tomay
drop in.
, I suggest that you show them your friends the
objects of their affection (or dislike) as soon as they cross the threshold. Inconspicuously labeling who gave
them to you helps.
Event cClutter
is a fun
and common source of clutter and a
fun one at that. Event clutterthat
could turn into Ccollectable
Cclutter, but often the
collector is notyou
may not be sufficiently
motivated to continue the collectingon.
For instance, memorabilia from a baseball game or two is most important to keep.
However, those of us who do not have season
tickets are not positioned to continue the collection.yet and, [u5][u6]fickle as we are,
may even decide to go to Attending an occasional
basketball or hockey game.
You
know what that will produce: more may generate
collectable mementos. It’s fun to
collect this stuff, particularly when
you take home a photo of yourself and Big Dog, the team mascot.
Ego cClutter can may be
the most expensive clutter category. because Iit
supports a person’sa
passion for focused personal possessions and displays of wealth and power.
Sportsmen in
particularly take partparticipate
in this type of clutter with,
such as those hunters who amass large collections of rifles, shotguns,
and the occasional antique Thompson submachine gun or the more current Uzi.
Fishermen also are known to accumulate redundant collections of rods, reels,
and lures of every description.
Lastly, Clutter resulting
from trauma trauma clutter is
becoming one of America’s greatest problems. Since Because the
divorce rate remains high, the clutter from broken marriages takes up many a
storage unit, as well as spare bedrooms, garages,
and attics. If you are already cluttered-up (that also may be a cause reason
for divorce) and are divorcing,
you may want to aggravate
anger your divorcing soon-to-be ex-spouse
(not
a good idea) (not a good idea)
by destroying a lot of “marriage stuff,.”
That which
will allows you to free up some space for more coveted
clutter.
There is a rhyme
and reason in for
all clutter decisions. Using a reporter’s six
questions – — when,
what, where, why, who,
and how – —
will help you figure out your
reasons, but consider the following as well.
Was your clutter acquisition decision:
[u7]Made while inebriated?
Made in haste?
Made alone or with others, like
under peer pressure?
Made as an “all-
or-
nothing” decision?
A result of movement of clutter from one location
to another?
In summary, it’s clear that clutter and dust and clutter are
only enemies
only if you view them as such. They’re wonderfully
compatible with each other and, as we all
know, the family that doesn’t dust and accumulates clutter together
is a family that stays sticks together.
Going
hand-in-hand with dust is clutter, but I’ve run out of
space. Hopefully, Bernie will continue
with clutter next week.