The Man Who Talks Dog, Horse
And The Dogs, Horses And Cats Who Ignore
You must understand that I grew up in a household in
which pets were not allowed.
, in displaying my
I squeezed it to death.
My first three wives introduced me to the world of
Beagle mix; Valentine, a cockapoo, was
equally spoiled; and Tizoc and Yaqui -the latter named for the Indian tribe -were formidable German Shepherds. in canine rearing,
discipline, all I could give them was love. s and communication s led me to
believe that I was onto
something big, not on the magnitude of Fossey and her apes, but a break-through
I was learning the canine language.
Divorces cut my
initial observations short, but Kathy,
current ( and last ,
she reminds me) wife, has provided me with the graduate-level
courses I need e d. additional worlds of cats and Quarter Horses. not conversant with the term “ Quarter Horses, ”
they are whole horses of a particular breed. My wife is an experienced and astute
I do not fear horses.
hat to both
stupidity and the belief that, since I made it to my current age, I am
invincible. we acquired
Cooper and Dash, my wife informed me that she was purchas ing the front of
the animals and the
rest belonged to me. ,
I have developed an expertise in cleaning stalls,
and grooming. that they tell
their friends I am silly.
We boarded Cooper for two winters at
our local fairground s , where a stall was provided
with limited exercise
space. When I accompanied
Kathy to morning feeding on cold wintry days, I was introduced to a
new world of effluvious emanations. You know, smells. Upon opening the doors of a 30 horse barn ,
of ammonia was more than sufficient to wake me without the
assistance of coffee.
opening a closed horse barn at 6:00 a.m.
Once inside, having a captive audience , it was the opportunity to practice my skill ,
speaking animal language s. that, to this day, they remember the
kook who disrupted their early morning snooze with strange sounds. where his stage act f all s
flat doesn’t know the correct British
When I approach[u3] Dash and Cooper with my whinny and neigh, they turn to each other and non
great! Kathy’s not here to feed us , and Bernie’s got the job. when I
whinny and neigh to horses within hearing , but out of
sight, they respond. I’m assuming that
it’s my face that [u4] s cares the heck out of horses.
Barley, my constant
Golden Retriever companion, is another story. [u5] The product of a divorce, we adopted Barley at age 3. Golden Retriever, although other
owners would probably say the same about their non - Golden Retriever pets. exercising
my knowledge of dog-talk, I bark , s me
the look that
dogs give you when they are attempting to defecate ;
that soulful, expressive look that says, “This is very personal!
Please don’t look at me. However,
when I attempt to communicate with Barley, the other dogs
in the neighborhood answer. mean that, when they do not have to look at
horses, they respond as though they hear one of their own kind. “success on a limited basis. ”
Our cats react
ed differently. , our feral cat; Mousey, our barn cat ; BC
and Monica, our house cats, appear willing to communicate
with me …at times. Again, I have mastered many cat-talk
dialects and expressions -words
are not meaningful in cat-talk. and, at other times , they assume a Barley-like
or Dash and Cooper-like attitude. However, cats in the neighborhood, when they hear me, but
do not see me, do not respond. that there are differences between
cats and other animals , and I accept that.
Animals have greatly enhanced my life. It’s a shame I didn’t grow up with them, but
better late than never.
I am continuing my experiments in human-animal
communication and limit my work to horses, cats and dogs.
but no thanks. in attempting to
attract females for propagation purposes, [u6]urinate on their own faces? that I am as
open-minded as the next person, but that’s taking nature a little too far. billy goat.
[u1]“and are called quarter horses because........”
[u2]“Some” instead of “limited” because the latter gives more emphasis to the exercise space, which you aren’t pursuing.
[u3]Change in tense. We need to keep to past tense.
[u4]They’re not scared; they’re ridiculing. Too strong? Also, at first I thought you meant horse in general, then decided you meant yours. However, you compare this with talking to Barley and other dogs, so I’m not sure which is correct. Calling the rewrite man!
[u5]Deleted “the product of a divorce” because we wonder if it’s one of your divorces and because he’s the product of two golden retrievers mating.
[u6]Is that anatomically possible? Or are you pulling an almost-Dick Cheney?