Welcome to the Adult Amusement Park:
The Wonderful World of Jim Penn
News Item: “New theme parks are continually created for youngsters. Disney opened California Adventure in 2001 next to its Disneyland in Anaheim, California. The new rides and adventures include California Screamin’, a new Ferris wheel; Jumpin’ Jellyfish, a jellyfish-parachute drop; and Golden Zephyr, a Buck Rogers-type rocketship ride.
News Item: “It’s now 2006 and a theme park for adults is being completed. One time dot.com billionaire, now dot.com hundredaire Siegfried (Skippy) Luxonnutt and old-time moneyaire, Percival Moneyhugger, announced plans to open the first amusement and recreational park dedicated to the businessperson. BusinessFunLand’s attractions will focus on the Internal Revenue Service, insurance, law, construction, banking, industry and both high and low technology. Its location is being kept under wraps, but it’s rumored that the 1,762 acre facility will be located in Arizona. And with that, we take you to our man in the field, Neal O’Neal, live and in person at BusinessFunLand, U.S.A.”
“Thank you, Marcie, for that introduction. Good afternoon, folks. This is Neal O’Neal, and we’re televising directly from BusinessFunLand. Although the park isn’t open for business, we’ve been given permission to review its attractions. I just want to tell you that they’re fantastic. Luxonnutt and Moneyhugger have done a terrific job coming up with original ideas that will appeal to businesspersons and their families and friends.
“Over there (pointing to his left) is Gobbly-Gook Land. Its main attraction will be the Mad Cap Coffee Party, where Marvin Muskrat and Practical Pig will serve neverending cups of coffee to groups of no more than 10 persons and explain, nonstop, insurance policies and coverage. It’s supposed to be a thrill-a-minute experience with Marvin and Practical, the fastest mouths in the West. Two programs will be offered: life and property insurance.
“Once you’re at the Party, you can’t leave for two hours, during which time they will take you through whole life, term, annuities and all their variations and permutations. If you opt for the property insurance program, Marvin will read, without pause, an insurance policy including its appendixes, exhibits and table of contents.
“To my right is an attraction that combines several concepts. The Road of Tax Relief enters BusinessFunLand’s own House of Horrors from which there is only one exit, the Kingdom of Payments and Levies. The main attraction is the House of Horrors where Robert Rabbit and Horace Hornbill offer two programs posing as Internal Revenue agents. They will either answer your tax questions by referring to various pamphlets, brochures and Internal Revenue Code sections and regulations to thoroughly confuse you or, if you choose, they will conduct an audit of your most recent tax return.
“This audit will result in many surprises including recognizing income that you never had and expenses that you should never have taken, all resulting in a very large tax on which interest and penalties will be added. You are then given the tax bill and delivered to the Kingdom, where your goal will be to escape with as much of your clothing and possessions as possible.
“I see that we are running out of time, but I did want to point out the most intricate and creative attraction. Your hosts in LegalLand will be Oliver Owl, ‘a case is a case is a case,’ and Connie Cobra. You start on a roller coaster that enters NightmareLand, where you will receive your lawsuit. Then you make your way through a series of mazes into the House of Injustice where court will be held with adverse results. You will then exit on a train to TomorrowLand where animated cartoon characters will offer you creative solutions to avoid the judgment against you.
“I’m sorry that our time is up, Marcie. There are so many more wonderful exhibits and attractions to point out like the Banking Adventure, with computer printouts of indecipherable bank statements, and the Nightmare of Constructing Your Dreamhouse.
“You may wonder why anybody would visit this theme park – it’s simple. It feels so good to leave this fantasy world! A good example might be having a horrible toothache, going to the dentist and leaving the dentist relieved of pain and thankful for the experience. Okay, Marcie, back to you in the studios.”